When Your Heart No Longer Beats in Your Body

One of the most surprising things about being pregnant for the first time (besides the fact that I was pregnant), was that phase after I was done being morning sick and started getting sick of being big. For the first time in my life I felt physically vulnerable. Not that I was a star athlete before I was pregnant, but the realization hit me that if someone wanted to mug me, all they would have to do is walk up to me, tap me on the head and I would tip over and roll around for five minutes before I could get up and stand again. Running away was definitely not a viable option at this point. It was an unsettling emotion.

Fast forward to the delivery room when they place my beautiful baby girl in my arms; all of a sudden I knew deep down that this feeling of vulnerability would never truly go away. It came over me all at once, that my heart no longer beat in my own body; it was beating in hers. A whole new vista opened up to me. Whatever happens to her, happens to me and there are a million new ways for my heart to be broken. What if someone is ever mean to her? What if she encounters a bully? What if a boy breaks her heart, or the college of her dreams fails to see her genius? Then there are the really scary things, like what if she grows up and wants to drive a car…..on the streets….with other drivers present.

And then, children two, three and four were born, and instead of the portions of my heart being divided equally between them, I just grew more hearts. And those hearts weren’t really mine either, because of course they beat in their bodies. Which is why when I am confronted with angry, defiant, belligerent children who are completely sure that I am making ridiculous rules for the sheer pleasure of torturing them, I often look them straight in the eyes and say “because my heart beats in your body.” And I endure the eye rolling and the sighing and even the arguing. I know that it just sounds crazy. I also know that someday, they will hold a very small person in their own arms. They will spend a quiet moment. And it will hit them like a ton of bricks and they will know exactly what I meant all those years before. And I will just sit back and smile, because the most humbling aspect of my own realization was remembering that I am someone else’s child.

The Moments That Give Me Hope

Me: It's time for bed, do you want to say the prayer or do you want me to?
Jacob: I want Jay-Jay to.
Me: I don't think he's big enough yet.
Jacob: Yes, he is, I'll show you
Jay, say "Heavnely Father"
Jay: "eavenly ather"
Jacob: "Thank you for this day"
Jay: "anks for a day"
Jacob: "Bless for blessings"
Jay: "essings".....AMEN!!

And that is what big brothers are for!